This piece is part of our PANpov series — firsthand stories from employees about personal experiences. Read more.
Content warning: This article contains reference to and discussion of pregnancy loss. The article begins after the image below. Click here to return to general content.
Last fall, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We were beyond thrilled to welcome another beautiful baby to our family and to have our daughter become a big sister – a title we knew she would embrace and love to her fullest. Before we knew it, her closet was filled with the sweetest clothes embroidered with the words “big sister” and her bookcase started filling up with books about mommy having a new baby.
During my first pregnancy with our daughter, I held my breath every second of every day – nervous that something was bound to go wrong. I was extremely anxious as a first-time mom and thought that my anxiety got the best of me – something I vowed I wouldn’t entertain during my second pregnancy.
As such, I headed into this second pregnancy with a renewed source of energy – I felt confident that my body knew what it was doing and trusted the process. As the weeks went by, I began to bear every pregnancy symptom in the book – including extreme nausea, which I thought was reassurance that everything was progressing along as it should, and the baby was healthy as ever. As the weeks went by, so did two healthy and “perfect” ultrasound appointments, depicting our baby’s strong heartbeat. These moments of seeing our baby and hearing their heartbeat made the intense nausea worth every second.
For anyone who’s been pregnant, you become a fetal medicine expert yourself and know what to look for during ultrasounds and appointments. For me, my north star during ultrasounds was the bright and beautiful flicker of life – the baby’s heartbeat.
When my husband and I went in for our last ultrasound appointment and the tech started, I was excited to see our baby. However, I didn’t see the flicker of life. I thought to myself that maybe the baby was in a weird position or that I wasn’t looking at the screen correctly. After a few minutes of a puzzled and worried stare, I looked over to the ultrasound tech and asked, “Is our baby alive?” She responded with “No, I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and didn’t know how this could happen to US. I thought my body knew what to do, and never in a thousand years did I think a miscarriage would be a part of our story. We spoke with the doctor and were informed that, because I was too far along, I had to undergo surgery. “Surgery?!” I thought to myself… “what?!” The next three days before my scheduled surgery, I was a deer in headlights.
In the months following this experience I learned miscarriage is far more common than we realize. In fact, about 10-20 percent of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage – that’s 1 out of 5 pregnancies. This isn’t to say that it makes the process easier but connecting with other women who have experienced the same situation helped tremendously. Just being able to talk about it out loud and know I wasn’t alone was helpful. I encourage any woman who has gone through a miscarriage to reach out to your community for support. By opening up, I found out that several prominent women in my life had also experienced the exact same thing. Additionally, having a supportive employer is key to mentally and physically recovering through this experience. With PAN, I was able to have two weeks to recover, which was a necessity.
After the surgery, I remember coming home from the hospital and holding my daughter so tightly and looking at her as if it was the first time I laid eyes on her. I remember thinking to myself how beautiful she was and how precious life is. This entire process, while scary and difficult, reminded me of the appreciation, fragility, and beauty of life and how important my faith and family are. We all have tough days and sometimes are so occupied by what needs to get done that day and we forget the little things – something that I was known for before this happened. While I still have days like this (trust me, I’m far from perfect), I remind myself that there are far more important things in life than making it to gymnastics on time or not getting enough sleep.
I encourage everyone to stop, pause, and appreciate the beauty of their life when things seem hectic and out of control. Looking ahead – we may not be bringing home our baby this summer, know what color eyes our baby would have had, how many dimples or what his/her laugh sounds like – but one thing’s for certain. I know that we will see each other one day and they will look at me and come running into my arms shouting, “That’s my mama!”
For PAN employees and their loved ones facing challenging times or navigating life’s hurdles, there is support available. You can directly schedule care through the CuraLinc link (https://mysupportschedule.com/econnect), or reach out to a licensed clinician by phone at 888-881-5462, available 24/7/365.
